Pushing Your Sons Out of the Nest

by Dr. Sheila Pope

Today, I am happy to announce my oldest son was pushed out of the nest last week and on October 13th, he learned to fly independently! He is moving to Mississippi. He is driving with a few friends to Mississippi and living in his own apartment across from his dad, my ex-husband.

Image Credit: Dr. Sheila Pope

For the single mothers struggling to let go of their adult sons, listen to your inner voice and trust God to help you release them. I held on to Chris out of fear that he would not survive without my help. Yet this last year, I realized I prepared him to become an awesome young man. Last week, I realized I needed to let him go before I killed his spirit and before I killed his motivation to survive. 

When I released him, I had peace. I had no worries. When he returned with his plan, I knew I made the right choice as a mother. His sibilings were happy to see him and to know they could talk with him via the phone. Chris was not angry with me. He had his chest stuck out. He is finally getting his road trip. Now, his father in heaven and his dad can help him become a responsible man. 

When he came to say goodbye last night before leaving, I gave him several hugs, told him I loved him, and gave him his cell phone.  I will admit I was proud of him. I asked if he was sure of his plans and he said yes he was sure. 

I have three more children to raise as a single mom and I am excited to start this new journey. Chris has helped me so much with the children, but they are able to rock and roll with me now. My life changes too! However, I will not let fear and discomfort cause me to hinder Christopher’s ability to become the man of his own home. 

Single moms we have to know when to let go of our baby boys. When they are taller than us, can talk back to us, capable of manipulating us, they  are not paying any bills, they are taking more than they give, they are failing to see you as a blessing, they are a high school graduate, they are intelligent, they are physically able to work, and they are 18 years of age with a car, it is time to push them out of the nest.

Moms don’t let fear hold you hostage and cause you to create a irresponsible man. Let go and let God show you how to support him from a distance.

Advertisements

The Storm: Hurricane Harvey by Dr. Sheila Pope

Our power was restored yesterday evening! It was difficult to maintain three days without power. My four children enjoyed their gadgets, but I had to do so much to keep things going. I have been “The One” to lead my family for years.

It becomes harder during difficult times to make decisions for everyone. It is difficult to get up and do for everyone else when you are running on empty.

I realized three months ago, I needed a partner for life. I am and will always be a strong woman, but I am tired of being without a real partner to go through the storms of life with. I hated getting out in the rain to find ice and food for my family. My hair was a mess from psoriasis and the rain. I hated having to answer the questions the children had about the hurricane. I wanted a hug yesterday. 

I need a place to cry without having to explain my emotions to my children.  I hated driving through high water and wondering if my SUV and my  house would flood. 

This storm is not over, but having the power restored gave me a chance to sleep in a cool space. It made my children appreciate electricity. My girls slept in my bed last night, my baby boy was on the floor in my room and my oldest disappeared to his room. Yet we all understood we were a family. We knew things could be worst!

This morning, I am still “The One”, but today I am clear on the fact that I need a partner for life. I need a partner that is committed to battling the literal and figurative  storms of life. I need a partner that will love me unconditionally and is willing to fight for the safety of this family. Until, he comes, I will continue to battle storms. I know God is always there. However, it would be nice to have a partner there too.

 

Searching for Someone New: Joining the Online Dating World by Sheila Pope

I finally did it; I finally went on a couple of dating websites. For a couple of years, I have said to friends I was going to go on one when I thought I was ready to date. I am ready to date, but my opportunities have been limited. I am a workaholic, single mother and completing my PhD. Where does a man fit into my world?

plenty of fish image

I listened to a couple of my friends talk about their experiences with  Plenty of Fish.  I figured I should start there. I also decided that I should not limit myself to only African-American men. Therefore, I wanted a dating website with men open to dating African-American women. I found Interracial Match.com. It was pretty easy to join.

Interrical match

However, I found it a little difficult to find a picture that represents me at this moment in my life. I solved that by asking my 16-year-old son to help me select a photo for my profile. My stylist fixed my hair and I immediately updated my profile shots.Then, I pressed my luck and asked him to help me find a username, headline and provide words to describe me. He asked, “Shouldn’t you ask a girlfriend to help you with this?”

I laughed and said, “Lets make it happen!” I like the fact that he knows what I am doing.  I do not have anything to hide. More important, I am getting a little tired of his jokes about my inability to get date and he has not had one himself. I want my children to know that I can try something new. I hope they are never afraid to face their fears.

I wondered why they required my income range. I hated that I had to decide to describe myself as either full-figured or had extra pounds. However, it was not long after I figured out why there was a need to share your income range. Once I went on the site and reviewed my potential matches, I laughed until I cried. Some of the photos on Plenty of Fish, Delightful and Interracial Match.com were insane. Men without shirts, some that looked homeless, some I think I saw on Wanted posters, others looked like pedophiles and some screamed FREAK and not 50 Shades of Grey kind!  I ran across the profile of a 61-year-old white guy that liked African-American women in my age range with my body type, but he made less than 25,000 a year. Instead of looking for match, he needed to focus on generating extra income. I clearly understood the income requirement at that moment! There were men that said they preferred not to say if they had a car!  I think it was appropriate to infer they did not have one. Again, more laughter!! I have had tears of joy since I decided to enter the online dating world.

At this time, I have my profile on several sites and I have chatted with several men on Plenty of Fish. I liked the freedom that the format allows me to have. I like the control that I have via online. More important, I like the fact that I have had to address some of my own issues. I finally admitted that I do not want to get married at this time. I only want to date! I want a relationship if it works for me. That was a big reality check for me. I am happy with my life at this time. Yes, I want to go out on a date. I do not care if a man wants children because I am not looking to marry him, I just want to talk and go out sometimes. I am not looking for sex at this time. The more time you spend with one person the greater the odds are one of you will eventually bring up sex.

It feels good to chat. I chatted for three hours yesterday. I realize online dating is time-consuming, but going through the profiles shots makes me howl with laughter each time! The profiles, headlines and bios are hilarious. More important, I am laughing at myself too. Eventually, I am going to pay for Match.com. I believe you get what you pay for in this world. Until then, I will try a few more free websites. Delightful, Steve Harvey’s website, does not let me respond without paying. So far on the Interracial Match.com, only a scary white guy as winked at me. Again, he had one picture with only his neck and Winkhairy chest displayed. I did not know what to do with that wink. I have no regrets so far. I look forward to laughing and finding someone new to date.